Riku's Bad Day
by Angellina Tsaint
Summary: -VERY VERY short chap up!- One day after the end of KH, Riku decides to wear his Heartless outfit... Oh, what insanity will befall him?
1. One: Just an ordinary morning

A/N: Do you ever feel like if you don't write something funny you'll shove your head down a toilet? That's how I feel. I didn't want to write the Halloween Town chapter of KF, 'cause right now I am feeling LA-ZEH and also Ikindaforgotwhathappensinthegame.  
^_^  
  
  
"Yawwwwnn..." Riku stretched out in his super-king sized bed in his HUGE room, which was filled in his own merchandise (Riku pillowcase, Riku duvet, Riku sheet, Riku lamp, Riku radio, Riku pencilcase, Riku toilet seat, Riku bookcase, Riku posters, Riku foot massager, etc, etc) and the like.  
Opening his aqua eyes, he gazed about his "personal haven", aka. a fangirl's dreamland.  
  
Now, let's just take a minute to fantasise about that room...  
...  
Okay, back to the story.  
  
Jumping out of bed, he pressed the button for the doors of his Walk-In-Mega-Huge-Clost-Thingª and walked in.  
'What to wear today?' He wondered, trying to decide if he should wear the yellow shirt or the other yellow shirt.  
"Ooooo, I know! How about THAT yellow shirt!" And as he walked over to get it he tripped over his little action figure that, for some reason, was there.  
Logically, he fell.  
"Ow... Hey! How'd this get here?" Sprawled out on the ground, he could now see his Heartless outfit scrunched up in the corner.  
He pulled it out and brushed off a few wrinkles.  
Then, he began to think.  
  
Two hours later...  
  
"AHA! I've got it!" He yelled, and tripped over yet another of his damn action figures.  
"I'll dress up as evil me and pretend Ansem is controlling me!"  
"But Anshem could get arreshted!" A tiny little voice cried out.  
Riku peered under his bed, and sighed. "Jiminy, have you been into Squall's winery AGAIN?!"  
The drunk bug grinned pervertedly. "Oh yesh. I had lotsha fun with Leon."  
"Dude, he's called Squall now."  
"Nuh-uh!"  
All Riku could do was pity the cricket. After all, ever since Pinocchio had left him for Goofy, he hadn't been thinking straight.  
The pale blue haired beauty got up and got changed, unaware of the disastrous circumstances that were to befall him that day.  
  
***  
  
"WHEN YOU WALK AWAYYYYYY, YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAYYYY-"  
"Kairi, what did I say about you having breakfast here?" Riku had just come down the stairs to find his friend singing as loudly and as badly as she could while eating Gummi Block cerealª.  
"Oh. Sorry Riku, it's just that I caught Sora cheating on me..." She sneezed, wiping an arm across her face.  
"What, again? Stupid kid, I told him to stop when I found him with Aurora-" That's when Riku remembered that Sora never told Kairi about that.  
"AURORA TOO?" She screamed, "Selphie... Aurora... Who next? Daisy?"  
Riku decided the best thing to do was keep his mouth shut.  
Unfortunately, Kairi's female instinct kicked in, and the next thing he knew, she was running off, screaming bloody murder.  
Picking up her abandoned breakfast and eating a spoonful, he sighed sadly.  
"She didn't even notice my outfit..."  
  
***  
  
Outside, the sun was shining, and Tidus was trying to hump a poor, unsuspecting fish.  
"Hey, Riku!" He called, his slow minded brain temporarily forgetting about the fish, "Whatcha wearing?"  
The skin-tight clad boy grinned. "My Heartless outfit!"  
"Yer what?"  
'Right... idiot.' Riku thought. "Nevermind Tidus, nevermind." And he walked on.  
"Whassup with him?" Tidus wondered, but suddenly his mind went back to more important matters - the fish.  
  
***  
  
'Okay, so Kairi wants to kill Sora and Tidus was trying to hump a fish. Why isn't anyone sane noticing my outfit?'  
It then occured to him that none of the people he had met so far that day were sane.  
It also occured to him that if he was wearing the Heartless outfit, he had to act the part.  
  
"Morning, Riku!" Sora called from his hammock down by the paopu tree. "Hmm... something's different... did you cut your hair? No... ah, gee..." He looked Riku up and down. "The Heartless logo? I've got it now! You're wearing the outfit that Ansem made you wear!"  
"Yes. Now return your heart to darkness!" After not acting like he was going through puberty in such a long time, it was hard getting the voice back. Also, thankfully, Sora was too surprised to notice he got the words wrong.  
"AHHHH! Riku, don't let Ansem control you!" The brunette hugged the older boy. "No... I'll just go get Ansem! Riku, stay right here!" And off he ran.  
  
'Hmm...' Riku thought while standing there, 'Maybe I should have told him Kairi's got PMS... nah, I'm sure he'll be fine. After all, what's the worse that can happen?'  
  
Meanwhile, in Hollow Bastion...  
  
"Damnit, does this thing still work?" Kairi thought out loud as she kicked Maleficent's cauldron, scaring away a few spiders.  
"Wait, how'd I get here? Squall said something about not being able to go from world to world anymore... oh well." She shrugged, and went back to her feeble attempts to wake up the cauldron.  
"Work! WORK!" Kairi screamed, and leapt at it...  
In the sudden impact, the old room creaked.  
"Uh-oh..." She said softly.  
Then the chandelier fell.  
"OW! Da-freaking-mnit, it's crushing my spleen!"  
  
Anyway, back at Destiny Islands...  
  
About half an hour had passed, and Sora still hadn't returned.  
'Maybe I should go check where he is...' Riku wondered, and stepped forward.  
He promptly fell forward into the water below.  
"Okay, no more walking on pins and needles." He promised himself, and swam back to shore.  
"Huh?"  
A mountian had appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the island.  
Being the inquisitive soul he is, Riku just had to go check it out.  
  
A few seconds later, he stood at the door to a huge castle.  
"That... was quick."   
Riku went inside, into thick, thick darkness.  
  
"BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"Hey Ansem."  
The lights went on and he saw his ex-master, who was unpleased at the fact he hadn't scared Riku. "Kid, couldn't you even try to be scared? I worked really hard on that laugh!"  
"Yeah, yeah... hey, who's your friend?"  
Another male was in the room, wearing even weirder clothes than Ansem and had bluish-purple hair.  
"Oh, he's Kuja."  
The boy raised an eyebrow. "Are you going around getting younger men again?"  
"No!" Ansem insisted, "He's your father!"  
Riku's eyes opened as big as Sora's shoes. "Wha? My father?! But- OH, YUCK!" He had to run to the side and throw up as a sickening thought came to mind. "Dear GOD, no!"  
"What? No, of course not!" Ansem cried, waving his arms around. "Uh... why are you wearing the Heartless outfit?"  
"Well, I was going to scare people, and it worked on Sora, and that's why I'm here. Where is he?"  
"Sora?"  
"Yeah! He has to be here!"  
Ansem shook his head. "I haven't seen him in ages!"  
Riku gasped. "Then that means..."  
  
  
A/N: *gasp*! What does it mean? WHAT, WHAT?  
Well, I know. *sly grin* But the question is... Do YOU want to know? 


	2. Two: May the force be with you, Riku

A/N: Has the suspense been near killing you yet? Buahahahaha. Let all be revealed! And I don't own Kingdom Hearts, the reference from UltimaMoOgle's fic (Subliminal message: READ IT! READ IT!), Vanilla Coke, the reference from TNSK, the $2 shop, Twinkies, Hamtaro, Marilyn Monroe, FFX, FFVIII, FFVII, The Matrix, Austin Powers, the "For Dummies" series, the old lady, Lord of the Rings, Robbie Williams, or Star Wars. You have been warned, there are WAY too many influences on this chapter.  
  
  
"I AM THE ALMIGHTY LORD SAURON, OWNER OF THE ONE RING!"  
  
"... Crap." Riku sighed, "It's his evil twin!"  
  
"Sauron's his TWIN?!" Ansem shrieked with glee. Sauron was the GOD of evil guys (next to Darth Vader, of course).  
  
"No, he just has multiple personalities."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The two looked out the window (Kuja had gone off somewhere), at new island that had appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"How the hell did that get there?" Riku asked.  
  
"It was there all along! The island doesn't bend, it is you that bends!"  
  
Ansem had been into the Vanilla Coke, it seemed. AND he had been watching The Matrix. Scary combination.  
  
"But... where's Sora?"   
  
Ansem frowned. "I saw Kairi go through that door a few hours ago, maybe she's up to something."  
  
The young bishounen looked to the door that led to the cove. "Okay, I'll check it out."  
  
A few minutes later, after saving the fish from Tidus and eating some more Gummi Block cereal, he stood at the door.  
  
"Here goes nothing..." Riku muttered, opened it, and stepped through.  
  
"What the-?!" He yelled, as a strange smelly rag was pushed over his face.  
  
  
Back in Ansem's Castle...  
  
"That's odd, he should be back by now!" Ansem kicked the wall, sighing. "If he's not back soon-" He checked the time, "Oh my! Hamtaro's on!"  
  
So he forgot about the boy's daring quest.  
  
  
Meanwhile, where Kairi is...  
  
"There is a grave disturbance in the force." Kairi said to the leagues of Disney villains she had gotten on such short notice, that sat around her "round table". "Any questions?"  
  
"Darth Kairi, how will we get the keyblade master? What if he learns the ways of the Matrix before we find him?" A random nameless thief asked.  
  
Kairi glared at him. "NEVER QUESTION ME!" She shrieked, pressed a button on the "round table", and he fell down into the fiery pits of Mary Sueness below. "Anyone else curious?"  
  
They all shook their heads, fearing for their lives.  
  
  
Meanwhile yet again, where Riku is...  
  
"What? Where am I?" Riku asked, painfully waking up from forced slumber. Unfortunately, since he was gagged, it came out as "Mmm? Mpph mm m?" He also noted that he was blindfolded. For all that was holy, it couldn't be related to the secret ending.  
  
"You're awake!" A familiar voice squealed, "I can perform the sending now!"  
  
Then it hit Riku. It was Sora, and Sora had been playing too much FFX.  
  
"Smmph! Mmmm!" [Sora! No!] He screamed/mmphed. Sora couldn't perform for a rubber duck, let alone a sending!   
  
Poor Riku, what oh WHAT will happen to him now?  
  
  
Anyway, back with Ansem...  
  
Who was doing something that looked like a cross between an Irish jig and the Hamtaro dance.   
  
  
Since I do NOT want to even imagine that, let's check how Kairi's doing.  
  
"Darth Kairi! The death star is going according to plan!" Another nameless thief reported.  
  
Kairi, now clad in a catwoman-esque outfit (complete with ears and tail, and a smaller, more feminine version of Vader's mask), smiled. "Good. Now GO BEFORE I KILL YOU!"  
  
The nameless thief fled.  
  
"Now that he's gone..." She walked over to the stereo, smiling strangely. "ROBBIE WILLIAMS!" Kairi shrieked in a high fangirly voice and turned on "Let love be your energy".  
  
  
Meanwhile YET AGAIN...  
  
We see an old lady cheerleading. That will (hopefully) not be a plot point later on.  
  
  
Moving on...  
  
Riku was still gagged, but tied to a wall thingy (think of that thing Squall was on at the beginning of disc two - FFVIII), while Sora sat on the ground, eating a donut and reading "Sendings for Dummies".  
  
"Smmp, phhh! M mmph mmmm mmph mm Hmphms mmm!" [Sora, please! I was kidding about the Heartless thing!] Riku attempted to plea. He was STILL wearing the Heartless outfit, though.  
  
"Don't worry, Riku! I'll save you from Ansem!" Sora promised, "Even if it means going to extreme measures!"  
  
Riku shut his eyes tight. Whatever Sora was "planning", he knew it was going to involve senseless nudity, violence, and cross dressing.  
  
  
Back to Ansem, who wasn't dancing anymore...  
  
"Riku's been gone for a whole hour!" He then went deep into thought. "Hmm... I sense a great disturbance in the l33t... Come, guardian!"  
  
His guardian appeared behind him, dressed up like Marilyn Monroe (Riku was right!). "Ansem!" He said in an overly feminine voice, "I was just in the middle of 'Diamonds'!"  
  
"Oh, stop whining!" Ansem growled, "I've got a job for you! Now take off the wig, the tiara, the dress, the perfume... where exactly did you GET that stuff, anyway?"  
  
"Cloud gave it to me." The guardian said defensively.  
  
Ansem sighed. "I TOLD you to stay away from him! Look, all I want you to do is find Riku. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, sir..." And off guardian went.  
  
  
At Kairi's lair...  
  
Kairi, who was meditating in mid-air, and about to reveal the meaning to life when...  
  
"DARTH KAIRI!!! There's a problem!"  
  
The red-head screamed, attacking the nameless person and then kicking them out the window with her secret martial arts moves. "HI-YAHHHHH!"  
  
Once she was sure that the intruder was dead, Kairi got out her worn copy of "So you want to take over the universe to spite an old lover" and started to read.  
  
More specifically, she began to read Chapter XVI - Jealousy. A whole chapter dedicated to making your plans of universal domination so unique and exotic to make your ex jealous. Sold at all bad bookstores, $199.99 + GST, courtesy of "Thisisnotarealpublisherlabelbutyouknewthat productions".  
  
  
Back to our daring hero and the guy that's unwittingly attempting to kill him...  
  
"So basically, all I really need is a long stick and Riku to have good medical insurance..." Sora mentally noted, still reading the book.  
  
Riku's eyes widened as large as dinner plates. What exactly was Sora planning? He was about to find out.  
  
Sora snapped the book shut. "Okay Riku, this is what we're gonna do. After lighting all these oriental scented incense sticks I got from the $2 shop, I'm going to burn the Heartless uniform off you. The smell should release Ansem's spirit from you, and then I can perform the sending."  
  
The older boy had had enough. Spitting out his twinkie gag, he growled. "SORA, YOU CAN'T BURN THE OUTFIT!"  
  
"I know, Riku!" Sora had a far-off look in his eye, "But in order to save you from Ansem-"  
  
"ANSEM'S NOT FREAKING CONTROLLING ME!"  
  
Suddenly, a huge explosion came from the other room.  
  
"What... was that?" Sora asked, frightened.  
  
Riku thought for a minute, then gasped. "It must be..."  
  
  
A/N: Yet another cliff-hanger. Of course, this one's easier to guess than last chapter's... or is it? 


	3. Three: Riku with PMS?

A/N: Not much to say... may the force be with Riku. Definitely.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, FFVII, the leather pants, the Bee Gees, Lord of the Rings, Hanson, disco, the coconut song, the TNSK reference, Jennifer Lopez (I refuse to call her "J-lo" or whatever she's calling herself these days), Star Wars, Barney, South Park, a Brazilian orphanage, or Winnie the Pooh.   
  
  
"HAHAHAHAH! FRODO, PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF HANSON!" A voice rang out.  
  
"Oh, it's just my twin... He really _is_ Sauron, y'know..." Sora muttered, returning to his book.  
  
Riku sighed, just as Mmm bop started playing. He heard a few Elijah Wood-equse screams, then... silence. Well, silence minus the music and Sora humming "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."  
  
Then, the younger boy stood up. "Okay Riku, I'll be right back!" And he ran into his conveniently placed changing room that popped up out of nowhere. A few seconds later, he re-emerged, wearing REALLY tight leather pants, and only that. He leapt into the center of the room (which had turned into a disco arena), and started dancing to Bee Gees songs.  
  
Riku jumped down from the wall (why he didn't do so before is beyond me). "Sora, if you're going to 'send' the outfit (and most likely me) away, do it quickly..."   
  
The dark keyblade appeared in his hand. **"BEFORE I KICK YOUR @$$!"  
  
**The music stopped.   
  
"Well, then..." Sora said, getting out a lightsaber, "I didn't want to tell you, but... Riku, I am your father."  
  
There was a long moment of TOTAL silence.  
  
Then...  
  
"No you're not!"  
  
The brunette shrugged. "It was worth a try."  
  
  
Let's take a break from all this action (yeah, right!), and check on guardian...  
  
"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got, I'm still Jenny from the block!"   
  
  
Did I say _guardian_? I meant Wakka! Yeah, let's check on Wakka!  
  
Wakka was standing in his normal place.  
  
How ARE you, Wakka?  
  
"I'm good, ya?"  
  
Having a nice day?  
  
"Yeah! Me and Tee-dus, we gonna have some fun! Sellin' lemons!"  
  
...  
  
Due to highly unfortunate circumstances, when the narrator was aiming a Thundaga at a Brazilian orphanage to supply free power, it was aimed wrong and now Wakka is twitching in the hospital.   
  
Tidus ran up and gasped. "You killed Wakka, you bas-"  
  
Due to even higher unfortunate circumstances, the same thing happened again, but to Tidus.  
  
Oh well, on to the important stuff...  
  
  
"So, the rebel alliance group AVALANCHE has regrouped?"  
  
"Yes, Darth Kairi."  
  
"... Crap. I want all chocobo-ass haired blonde men gathered here in half an hour. We can't take any chances."  
  
As Kairi walked away, the nameless person asked her a question. "Do you actually plan to do all this just in one day?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Now, let's check on Ansem!   
  
... Who was admiring himself.  
  
"My hair is so LOVELY, my LOVELY hair! It's so LOVELY!" Every time he sung "LOVELY", it came out _nasty_.  
  
He put down his hairbrush and looked around. "I wonder where guardian went... Oh well, I must go off to watch Barn- WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?! I'm Ansem, the lord of darkness! I'm acting like a damn girl! I MUST put a stop to this!"  
  
What's he up to? I hope it doesn't involve nudity. I REALLY hope it doesn't.  
  
Anyway, back to Riku and Sora...  
  
Who were kicking the almighty crap out of each other. Go figure.  
  
"Riku... I... don't... wanna... hurt... you..." Sora panted for breath, leaning on his keyblade, then collapsed.  
  
"Oops..." The older boy muttered, grabbed Sora's hand, and started dragging him off. Why? I have no idea.  
  
Just before he left, he checked the time.  
  
**"IT'S ONLY 10:30 AM?!"  
  
  
**A/N: No cliffhanger this time... I'm too tired to write any more. So short...


	4. Four: Guest appearances?

A/N: WOO! Guest appearances! And I don't own anything...  
Riku dragged Sora along for about ten minutes when a bright light flashed and pixie dust started falling everywhere.  
  
Dropping Sora, he looked in his hand. "This is glitter!"  
  
It's PIXIE DUST.  
  
"Glitter!"  
  
PIXIE DUST!  
  
"Ahem!"  
  
Riku looked away from his pathetic argument to the person that had appeared. "Wha?"  
  
The girl (who was hovering in the air) frowned. "This isn't the entrance I wanted!"  
  
"Who ARE you?"  
  
She stared at him, shocked. "Y-you don't know?!"  
  
Riku shook his head.  
  
"I AM THE ALMIGHTY PYRA!"  
  
"... Who?"  
  
Pyra's eye twitched. "You... di-"  
  
"PYRA! NO!" A voice sqeaked.  
  
She immediately calmed down.  
  
"Heartless!" Riku yelled, jumping back.  
  
"No!" Pyra hissed, picking up the Blue Rhapody-like 'thing'. "This is Vivi." She started petting his hat.  
  
"My hat's getting all messed up..."  
  
She forced a smile and continued to pet him.  
  
Riku just stared.  
  
"Anyway, let's go." Pyra commanded, placing Vivi on the floor.  
  
"But-"  
  
"You must learn the ways of the force!" And off she went, walking into the distance.  
  
For a few seconds, Riku was confused. "How do you know her?"  
  
"She used to carry me in a burlap bag." Vivi scampered after her, Riku behind him.  
Meanwhile, with Ansem...  
  
He paced, thinking.   
  
There was serious business to decide.  
  
"So," His assistant called from the other room, "Are you postponing your manicure or pedicure?"  
  
"... Both!"  
  
A gasp came, then Kiwi ran in. "Lord, are you alright?" He asked, "Are you sick?"  
  
"Don't give me all that 'lord' crap, it won't get you a raise."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Ansem glared at him. "I must take care of some business..."  
  
"Your hair appointment isn't until 2:30."  
  
"ARGH!" He screamed, "NO! I must save my manly image, damn you!"  
  
Kiwi was silent for a moment. "Maybe you should take the bunny slippers off first."  
  
"... Do I have to? They're so cozy and warm!"  
  
The assistant sighed as Ansem walked away. "I bet OTHER lackeys don't have to put up with stuff like this."  
A/N: So short... so very short...  
But anyway. From now on, all "groups" in this fic must have an author to accompany them. So I'll need... one to help Kairi, one to accompany Sora, another to be in the Coliseum, and one to be at the World Terminal.  
If you, pray tell, would actually WANT to fill these positions... just ask. First come, first served... 


End file.
